As a counsellor, I frequently encounter distressed couples seeking help with the emotional fallout of spousal infidelity, which leaves their relationship feeling unsafe and disconnected. In therapy, it’s common to see them caught in cycles of attack-defence and pursue-withdraw dynamics. The hurt spouse often exhibits strong emotions, expressing anger and betrayal, and blaming the unfaithful partner for violating their trust—e.g., “You have let me down!” or “How can I ever trust you again?” On the other hand, the unfaithful partner’s attempts to explain or justify their actions are often perceived as dismissive of the hurt partner’s feelings, which only intensifies the emotional pain. These interactions frequently hinder the couple’s ability to seek emotional support and comfort from each other, potentially deepening the issues in an already fragile marriage.

Emotional Dysfunctions

Discovering infidelity often brings intense emotions like pain and mistrust. For instance, after an affair is revealed, the affected spouse might obsessively check the other’s messages and demand perfect answers. This can make the unfaithful spouse feel overwhelmed and unappreciated, even when trying to make amends.

Instead of bringing the couple closer, this mistrust and conflict can push them further apart. To rebuild trust and reconnect, both partners need to address these issues together with clear communication and professional support.

Managing Expectations – Getting the Process Right

Couples sometimes rush into reconciliation during therapy, aiming to fix their marriage quickly. However, this approach can be unhelpful if emotional wounds aren’t addressed first. Focusing only on assigning blame or specific actions for the unfaithful partner might overlook lingering hurt, anger, and fear. Without properly dealing with these emotions, the couple may struggle to build a stronger, more secure relationship. It’s crucial to acknowledge and process these feelings to manage the impact of infidelity effectively. What steps can couples take to handle this situation better?

Some key aspects for a marriage to survive through the experience of a spousal infidelity:

Take Time for each other to Heal
After discovering infidelity, couples should anticipate a flood of emotions and understand the emotional stages that follow. Infidelity naturally brings distress, and resolving marital issues can be challenging if either partner is too focused on their own needs or feels overwhelmed by negative emotions. Both partners may have fears, such as being hurt again or facing more conflict. It’s important for couples to take time to heal, which might involve seeking professional help to better understand and process their experiences.

Be Accessible, Responsive and Engaging in Marriage
In a marriage, handling negative communication from one spouse requires thoughtful responses. Here’s how each spouse should respond:

1. 1. Stay Calm and Patient: Reacting with calmness and patience helps defuse negativity and shows respect, which can encourage more open communication.

1. 1. Avoid Reacting Emotionally: Try to stay objective and avoid getting defensive or emotional, as this can escalate the conflict.

1. 1. Offer Reassurance: Respond with understanding and reassurance, which can help rebuild trust and encourage the other spouse to be more open.

1. Focus on Constructive Communication: Work towards creating a dialogue that is supportive and constructive, rather than focusing on past grievances or assigning blame.

By consistently showing patience and understanding, trust and confidence between spouses can gradually be restored.

Example 1:
If one spouse says, “I am so alone here. You will never understand me. Sometimes I want to reach out, but I don’t think you’ll be there for me,” the other spouse can respond with, “I want to be here for you. I am here for you, and you’re not alone.”

Example 2:
If an infidel fears engaging an angry spouse, they can express their need to connect by saying, “I know you sometimes need space, but I want you to know I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk.” The hurt spouse can reply with, “I’m not okay right now and need some time alone. I’ll come to you when I’m ready.”

Remembering the Marriage Journey
Couples should take time to reflect on their journey together, including key events or turning points that brought comfort and strength or led to despair and distrust. This reflection helps them understand the highs and lows of their relationship.

Some questions to ponder:

• How did they get to this point in time?
• What has happened in the past?
• What are they going through now?
• What do they hope their future will be like?

Couples should reflect on their expectations and perceptions of the future to better understand what’s important for rebuilding their relationship. They can start by listing positive events, like happy memories from dating, their wedding, or overcoming challenges together. Reflecting on these moments helps in recognizing and celebrating their strengths. For negative experiences, it’s crucial to acknowledge mistakes, learn from conflicts, and focus on improving. When negative memories arise, try to reframe them by accepting imperfections and concentrating on each other’s strengths rather than weaknesses.

Facing the Marital Crisis Together
Ultimately, both partners need to be committed to supporting each other and moving forward from the marital crisis. Each spouse must be willing to re-engage in the relationship with a new understanding and continue building on the positive changes they’ve made. Restoring a relationship requires time, commitment, adjustment, and patience. With sincerity and effort, couples can give their marriage a meaningful second chance.